


Ruined

by Rxvai



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-05-06 16:18:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5423717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rxvai/pseuds/Rxvai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Eren could hear the smile in Jean’s voice. He couldn’t even see him since Jean was somewhere in the wings of the stage, yet he just knew. Through their history, he had become very familiar with the many tones of Jean’s voice. He knew when he was smiling, when he was upset, when he was on the verge of laughter or on the verge of tears. Eren was much too familiar with the voice of Jean Kirstein- and in all honesty, it wasn't only his voice that Eren was much too familiar with.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Community service is a bitch._

 

Well, technically, working tech for the school play is a bitch. Not community service. But, this counted towards Eren’s community service hours that he needed to graduate highschool. Therefore, community service is a bitch.

Tech week is absolute hell. First thing is usually cue-to-cue, in which the tech crew runs through the light and sound cues. The stage crew has to work on which set pieces are put on stage and taken off stage when and where. Next, running through the entire show. This is the week where directors like to get nit-picky since everyone has their roles down, so it takes 10x longer than usual for run-throughs on most days except for the last two. The last two days are saved for notes. Tech week rehearsals usually take up the entire day, and by the end, everyone is practically dragging themselves out of the theater with only one thought in their heads: ‘I cannot wait to go home, lay in bed, and _die_ ’.

Okay, not actually die, but that’s what it feels like.

The only thing worse than working your ass off for an entire week to the point of exhaustion on something you’re not particularly interested in is working on that project with someone you absolutely cannot stand.

 

It was about 3 hours into the first day of tech week. Eren was at the soundboard with his com set on and listening for his cue to play the next song. He was very focused until a certain someone took him out of his zone and completely killed his mood.

“Hey, hey Eren.”

Eren could hear the smile in Jean’s voice. He didn't even need to _see_ him to know that ( not that he _could_ see Jean since he was somewhere in the wings of the stage ). He just _knew_. Through their history, Eren had become very familiar with the many tones of Jean’s voice. He knew when Jean was smiling, when he was upset, when he was on the verge of laughter or on the verge of tears. Eren was much _too_ familiar with the voice of Jean Kirstein- and in all honesty, it wasn't only his voice that Eren was much too familiar with.

He sighed heavily and tried to maintain his focus on the scene that was taking place.

“Eeerreeennn…”

 _He’s just trying to annoy you…_ Eren reminded himself. He desperately wished he could turn off his headset, however, he needed to keep it on for the sake of communication between himself and the other crew members. There was just about nothing he could do but simply ignore the taunting voice on the other end.

“Errreeee-”

“ ** _What?_** ” Eren’s tone was cold, frostbitten. There was a pause, a moment of static before Jean had finally spoken up again.

“I can see yooouuu.” Jean cooed.

 _Eren was going to tear Jean's throat out, he swore it._ Not bothering to respond, he rested his chin on his hand and exhaled deeply. He was beginning to wonder why no one else was shutting Jean up and _he_ was the only one being pestered. Then he figured that the others must not have been paying attention either. Figures.

Finally, one of the actors spoke a line that was the cue for music to begin playing. Eren was overjoyed at having something to do. This also meant that Jean would probably have to move set pieces or lower a curtain, which should occupy him for the next 2-3 minutes or so. The music began to play and he sat back in his chair. He watched as the lights on the stage has dimmed and a spotlight centered on the actor who was singing at the time.

Though he didn’t particularly have a passion for theater, he did enjoy some productions that he had seen. He had seen many since Mikasa was in the theater department and Armin helped with vocals. Mikasa was a very talented singer, and Armin was an excellent musician. Both of them had a natural talent for music, and he couldn't help but feel proud when he watched them perform. He always enjoyed it.

The same taunting voice had ripped him from his thoughts as it called his name through the headset once again. Eren felt his face turning crimson. He couldn’t stand how Jean knew exactly how to push his buttons- he even managed to push buttons that Eren didn’t think existed. This was one of his natural talents- and Eren detested this little 'talent' of his. The only thing he hated more than this particular gift itself was the fact that _only Jean_ could manage to do this.

Eren rolled his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from yelling into the headset. Unfortunately, Jean continued to pester him until Eren could no longer stand it. Through gritted teeth, he decided to remind Jean of just what the com set was for.

“Jean, the com set is for _communication only._ If you’ve got somethin’ important to say, say it. Otherwise, shut the _hell_ up.”

Jean snickered on the other end, and Eren’s face felt like it was on fire. He looked down at his desk and pretended to be occupied. The last thing he needed was for Jean to see how red his face was. He didn't want to grant Jean the satisfaction. Eren wanted to _scream_.

The entire tech rehearsal had been like this. Jean would call Eren’s name, for apparently no reason, then occasionally say stupid things to get on Eren’s nerves. Sometimes he would hum annoying songs just to get Eren to yell at him. By the time it was over, Eren felt like he would wake up with grey hairs the next morning. He knew Jean just enjoyed pestering him, because Jean knew the effect he had on Eren. And that was _extremely_ irritating.

After the rehearsal, Eren had to wait for his mom to pick him up. Usually, he would drive himself home, but unfortunately his car was in the shop and his mom needed her car for work. He did everything he could to avoid Jean while he waited. He stayed with Mikasa as much as possible, hoping that she would deter Jean from him. Why he thought this would work? He didn’t know. Needless to say, it didn’t.

After about ten minutes, most people had left and the few people who were still there included Jean. Jean came and sat next to Eren outside of the school on one of the concrete benches. He greeted Eren and Mikasa with a smile as he sat down. Eren didn’t look at him or even respond, and instead kept his eyes downwards. Jean attempted to converse with Mikasa, who seemed uncomfortable with the entire situation- understandably. Jean once had a crush on Mikasa, but those feelings dissolved after he and Eren had started dating a year ago. After they broke up, Jean and Mikasa didn’t talk as much anymore. She didn't feel comfortable with it for... obvious reasons.

After about five minutes of awkward small talk, Jean asked Eren if he could talk to him alone for a minute. Eren felt nothing but dread at the mere idea of talking to Jean alone- especially since he seemed so serious when he had requested it. However, he nodded and stood, leaving his belongings with Mikasa. Jean led him beneath a tree and leaned against it with his side against its trunk. Eren stood with his arms acting as a wall, folded across his chest defensively.

“So what do you want?”

There was slight annoyance in Eren’s tone, though he hadn’t meant for it to sound that way. He felt that his expression might be displaying something similar, however, he didn’t make any attempt to soften it. He didn’t _want_ to talk to Jean. He didn’t want anything to do with him. As for why he had agreed to talk to him alone? Now he was beginning to question that too.

Eren had told himself that he had been over Jean. He told himself that many times, but there were times when he was around Jean that he felt a similar spark that had resembled the one he felt back when they had still been together. He hated it. Eren was never very interested in relationships, and Jean had been his first for everything. His first kiss, his first date, his first romantic interest, his first partner- everything. He felt like this particular detail is what kept him attached.

Jean avoided Eren’s gaze and looked deep in thought. Every second of silence was nerve wracking, and Eren couldn’t help but wish that Jean would just get it over with. Just as he was about to verbalize his impatience, Jean finally spoke.

“We ended on a bad note, and I’m not pretending that didn’t happen.” Jean scratched the back of his head and turned slightly so his back was now leaning on the tree’s trunk. “I just... I don’t know how to… I don’t want that to be how things end between us, okay?”

Eren felt slight irritation by the way he had worded things, and couldn’t help but respond- even though he knew Jean wasn’t done speaking. “So you wait four months to come fix it?”

“I know, it’s been a while. I just didn’t wanna try to fix things ‘til I had actually fixed some shit about myself first.”

Eren sighed and glanced at Jean. Sincere, unspoken apologies lingered in amber hues. Eren forced himself to look away once more. There was a pause before Jean spoke again.

“I just wanna try talkin’ again. That’s all. No more than that.”

Eren was seething for no apparent reason, causing him to grind his teeth. Jean was being sincere, he could see that. They had gone through rough times, and that was the reason they had broken up. Jean didn’t try to hurt him. So, why was he so damn angry?

He shrugged and shifted his weight to his left side. Of course, he didn’t want to leave things this way either. He wanted closure. Eren didn’t want to continue feeling this confusing mixture of lingering hatred and admiration. He didn’t want to just pretend that he would be perfectly fine just pretending Jean never existed. But, simultaneously, he didn’t want to pretend that the things that happened in their past never did. There were things that he knew had still upset him.

But how would he ever get closure for those things if he didn’t give Jean the chance to give it to him?

“I guess we can try.”

Jean nodded and seemed to relax- a sign of relief from him. Just as he had done so, Eren’s mother had pulled up to the curve and honked.

“Guess that’s your ride.” Jean pointed out. Eren nodded. “I’ll talk to you later then?”

Eren paused, for some reason taken off guard by the word ‘later’. He didn’t know how soon or distant ‘later’ had meant. Overthinking prevented him from getting out more than a simple, “Yeah,” in response.

Mikasa had grabbed Eren’s belongings and carried it to the car for him.

Which was great, because by this point, he was drained of his energy to do much of anything. He had too much to think about.


	2. Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean wants Eren to start talking to him again, so he asks Eren to go to dinner with him after one of the shows.

Jean still pestered Eren during rehearsals throughout the week, which was obviously annoying, but unlike a few days ago he didn't mind it as much. Eren was still trying to figure out how to begin talking with him ‘normally’ again. After dating him for so long, it was difficult to remember how they talked when they were just friends. Then again, was that something that they could ever fully revert to?

 

A couple of days after Jean asked Eren if they could try talking again, Jean texted him for the first time in four months.

 

**Horseface: so I have a proposal**

 

Eren dropped his pencil onto his paper and unlocked his phone. He noticed Armin glance at him and continue to work again. Armin hated phone usage during study time, and usually Eren wouldn't have broken his focus over a text message, but the 5 words sent to him gave him too much anxiety to ignore.

 

“Someone important?” Armin asked, not removing his focus from his homework. Eren shook his head and responded to the message.

 

**Eren: what is it?**

 

Eren was about to put his phone down when he saw Jean typing. He was hoping the response would be quick, but it took a little more time than Eren was hoping for. So, he locked his phone and continued to study. Just as he picked up his pencil his phone vibrated again.

 

**Horseface: after the show on friday, how about you and I go out to denny’s for an after-show meal?**

 

Once again, he dropped his pencil, then sat back in his chair. Armin was looking at him again, this time with a look of certainty that Eren was talking to someone of importance.

 

“Is it Mikasa?” He guessed. Eren shook his head. He decided that he may as well talk to Armin about Jean now– Armin’s input would be extremely helpful in deciding on what to respond.

“It's Jean.”

 

Armin raised a brow and set down his pencil. Eren guessed that Armin knew that he was in for a story.

 

“What’s going on?”

“Well… We started talking again a couple of days ago, sorta. He asked if we could try talking again because he didn't wanna end things ‘s badly as it did when we broke up. I told him we could try talking again, but we didn't really talk a whole lot since then since we’re both so busy. So he just texted me asking if I would go with him to Denny’s after Friday’s show.” He explained. Armin’s expression gave away no hints of what he might have been thinking or feeling at this time.

“So what did you say?”

“Nothin’ yet. I don't know what to say.”

“Well, how do you feel about it?”

 

That was a good question. Mixed emotions had Eren tongue-tied. How did he feel about it? The idea itself wasn’t a bad one. After all, they did want to fix things between them (or try, at the very least). But simultaneously, he had a bad feeling that going to dinner with Jean would result in Eren falling for him again– hard. He didn't want to risk it. He knew the emotional distance he kept from Jean was fragile.

 

“I don't know. I want to, but I just feel like it’s a bad idea.” he admitted.

“A bad idea because you know what could happen if things go well?”

“...Yeah.”

Armin gave Eren a knowing glance, one that said he knew something that Eren was refusing to admit to himself– and whatever it was that he was keeping was a painful thing for Armin to know. “Then again, didn’t you risk things going well when you decided to talk to him again in the first place?” He shrugged.

 

Eren sometimes hated when Armin was right. But, it was true. This was a risk he was willing to take in the first place, why back out on it now? After all, this dinner was definitely a make it or break it deal.

 

After a few minutes of silence, Armin went back to studying and Eren had unlocked his phone to read Jean’s text once more before responding. With hesitation, he pressed send.

 

**Eren: okay.**

 

* * *

 

**ON FRIDAY**

 

The play was a huge success. The cast did a wonderful performance, and though there weren’t as many people as there could have been in the audience, every person there seemed to truly enjoy the show. The leading roles got standing ovations, which clearly pleased the actors. There would be more people the next night, and honestly, Eren was glad he didn't have to be up on that stage. He didn't know how they managed it.

Right after the actors had gone out to the lobby to greet their audience, Jean entered the sound booth where Eren was.

 

“Ready?” Jean asked.

“Yeah, I need to let Mikasa know that she’s going home with mom though.”

“Just text me when you're coming out, I’ll bring the car around.”

Eren nodded and Jean left the sound booth. Just as Eren took his phone out of his back pocket, it vibrated.

 

**Mikasa: where r u.**

**Eren: sound booth. I'm going to denny’s with Jean.**

**Mikasa: call me.**

 

Eren sighed heavily and did as Mikasa asked. The phone rang a few times before Mikasa finally answered.

 

“I don't understand why you respond quicker to text messages than to phone calls.” She complained.

“Because not everything needs to be talked about over the phone, I guess. I dunno.”

Mikasa exhaled deeply before she got to her main reason for having Eren call. “So you’re not going to the afterparty?”

“No. Jean asked if I would go with him to denny’s after tonight's show.”

“And why didn't you tell me this sooner?” she sounded annoyed, and she probably was.

“I forgot. I meant to but–”

“Don't worry about it. Just be safe. Let me know when you're on your way home.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye.”

 

Eren hung up the phone and texted Jean to let him know that he was ready. He exited towards the lobby and ran into Sasha on his way out.

 

“Hey, you haven't seen Ms. Ral, have you? The main stage curtain ripped a little and we gotta tell her, but no one can find her.”

Eren shook his head. “No idea, but, Mr. Ackerman is here. He might know where she is.”

 

Sasha thanked him and went through the double doors that led to the theater. Just as she did so, Eren received a text from Jean saying that he was out front. Eren quickly left the building and went straight to Jean’s black Toyota. The night air pricked his skin as he walked outside. He hoped that Jean had the heat on.

 

His wish was granted.

 

Jean was finishing up a text as Eren stepped inside the car and put on his seatbelt. Being in Jean’s car brought back old memories. He remembered the day Jean got his car and how he teased Eren because Eren’s car was a pile of junk that he had no interest in replacing. He remembered when Jean would take Eren to their old favorite spot on a cliff that looked over the city. He remembered their first kiss- a parting kiss that Jean had placed nervously to Eren’s lips before he went home one night. He remembered their first argument, something about Jean flirting with a girl from school. He remembered the last time he left that car, in a heated rage he slammed the door and stormed off. Too many memories for such a small space, and it felt suffocating.

 

“Sorry, I had to text Marco’s mom to make sure she’d be here on time since I can’t take him home.” Jean explained. He slipped his phone back into his pocket and started up the car. A My Chemical Romance song began to play as Jean pulled out of the school parking lot.  “My CD wallet is in the glove compartment if you want to change it.”

Eren put his hand under his seat to look for his CD wallet, but soon remembered that he had taken it with him when he last left Jean’s car. Jean noticed and the corners of his mouth twitched, daring to form a full smile, but only briefly.

“You never did like my music.” Jean mumbled just loud enough for Eren to hear. Eren rolled his eyes and sat up in his seat.

“So Marco still doesn’t drive?” Eren asked, more to change the subject than out of genuine curiosity.

“Nope. He’s afraid of killing someone.”

“Marco couldn’t kill anyone.”

“Considering that he only ever drives under twenty miles per hour, I’d have to agree.”

Eren bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing, but he couldn't stop the smile that formed. How someone as sweet as Marco could ever be best friends with someone like Jean, he had no idea.

The rest of the car ride consisted mostly of small talk. Eren avoided bringing up anything even mildly nostalgic the entire ride. He didn’t think he could avoid it the entire night, but he had yet to see that. They pulled up to the restaurant and got out of the car, and immediately Jean had noticed that Eren wasn’t wearing a jacket. He frowned.

 

“Still not a big fan of jackets?” he asked. Eren shrugged.

“I’m fine. We’ll be inside anyways.”

 

Eren should’ve known better than to argue with Jean about this. Before he even finished his sentence, Jean had unlocked the car and opened the door to get his spare leather jacket from his back seat. He always kept one there just in case. Jean handed the black jacket to Eren, who first shook his head and repeated that he was fine. Jean, however, glared at him until Eren finally took it. Eren thanked him and Jean responded with an eyeroll as he closed the car door and locked it again.

 

When they got inside, Eren was secretly glad that Jean had given him his jacket. Though it was warmer inside, it was still chilly. They also had been seated right underneath the air vent. Eren was secretly extremely grateful to Jean.

They didn’t sit in silence for long because their waiter had come to their table a few minutes after they had been seated. He asked what they wanted to drink. Eren hated that he already knew what Jean wanted before he even asked for it. He always asked for hot chocolate when it was cold outside, and a Coke when it was moderate or hot outside. Eren only asked for water, as he normally had. And judging by Jean’s face, he wasn’t surprised by Eren’s order either. When the waiter left, Jean spoke up.

“Why do you always get just plain water when you come to places like this? Have you ever even tried any of their special drinks?”

“Because it costs more. And no, I haven’t.” Eren answered, and continued as soon as he saw Jean open his mouth, “By the way, I’m paying for myself. You’re not paying for me. So no, I will not order one of their special drinks.”

Jean huffed and sat back in his seat with his arms folded across his chest. In his silence, Eren took notice of the song that was playing- it was the same song that Jean played for him on their first date. They went to an amusement park, and when Eren got tired of walking, Jean sat beside him on one of the benches and gave him an earbud. They listened to that song, and by the time it was over, Eren was willing to start walking around again. Even though Eren had always hated Jean’s music, there were good memories attached to most of them.

As if Jean could read his mind, he pointed out the song that was playing. “Brings back memories, doesn’t it?”

Eren glared at him. He found it so difficult to respond. One part of him wanted to say ‘yes’ and talk about the good times they used to have, but he knew exactly what Jean was doing and refused to fall for it. Jean always did know how to get to him. “Don’t do that.”

Jean’s expression never changed, but there was a certain glimmer in his eyes that said he knew exactly what he was doing. “Do what?”

Eren bit his cheek. He hated how Jean just knew that would get to him. He hated how Jean knew how to get under his skin in such a sweet, irritating way. He hated that he missed Jean’s transparency, the way that he knew by a certain look in his eyes that Jean was trying to get under his skin. Eren hated how well he knew Jean. And he hated how well Jean knew him. “You know exactly what you’re doing. Cut it out. I’m not doing this.”

“Doing what? You were zoning out. I was just commenting on the song that’s playing.”

And before Eren could respond, the waiter had come back with drinks. He asked if they were ready to order, to which Eren had told him no. He had completely forgotten to even look at the menu. The waiter nodded and left again, and Eren used this as an excuse to stop talking to Jean for a minute. He opened up his menu and glanced over it. He heard Jean sigh, and could see him take out his phone to check something before he put it away again and drank some of his hot chocolate.

 

Eren glanced up from his menu for a moment to see Jean rest his head on his hand and look out of the window. He looked beautiful that way; the defined curve of his jaw, the way the shadows fell over his skin from the dimmed light of the restaurant, the way his profile appeared from his own perspective. Eren was captivated by the sight… Momentarily.

Just as Jean turned his head to look at him, Eren looked back down at his menu. “Know what you want already?” Eren asked non-chalantly, “I haven't even seen you glance at the menu.”

Jean nodded. “Thought you'd already know my order.”

Eren paused at reading his menu to give Jean a brief glare. He wasn't going to comment at all, because after thinking for a moment, he realized that Jean was right. Eren _did_ already knew exactly what Jean was going to order. However, he decided to lie just to get under Jean’s skin in a different way. “Dunno why you'd think that, ‘cause I can't say I do.”

Jean frowned. “Hm.” He drummed his fingers on the table and looked out the window again. Eren forced himself not to look at him. “How's Armin been?”

Eren took another moment to decide on what he wanted before he shut his menu and answered, “Good. His grades ‘re good. He wants to try a couple of AP classes next year.”

Jean raised a brow and looked at him. “You mean, he wasn't already takin’ AP?”

Eren shook his head. “He heard some pretty scary stuff about kids being super stressed out because of AP classes ‘n didn't want to jump on it right away. But, the classes he’s taking now ain’t challenging enough for him so he’s gonna give AP a go.”

Jean nodded. “Marco had a hard time with his AP classes, had to drop a couple of ‘em because the stress was gettin’ to him. ‘s good that Armin’s not pushin’ himself too hard.” He drank some more of his hot chocolate

Eren nodded in agreement, “I'm glad too.. I think he's afraid of messing up, though. That’s why he’s taking on what he knows he can so he won't screw up and just adds more challenges as he goes. It's a smart way to go about doin’ things…” He paused and slid his menu aside, then looked at Jean, “What about you?”

Jean shrugged, clearly uncomfortable about the question, and looked away, “I’m… Doin’ alright. I'm workin’ now so…”

Eren waiting for a moment before responding, “That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

Eren frowned and crossed his arms as he sat back in his seat. “How well is ‘alright’?”

Jean sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, “Eh.. Straight C’s and a D+. Nothin’ I can't fix.”

“Why not get help?”

“‘Cause I don’t need it.” Jean sounded especially annoyed as he made that claim. He was glaring at Eren, and must not have realized it because after a moment, he shook his head and looked away. “'s just a hiccup. No need to get your panties in a twist.”

Eren cringed at the word ‘panties’, which made Jean chuckle. Eren took the silverware out of his napkin by him, crumpled it up, and threw it at him in response.

 

The waiter finally came by and asked if they were ready to order. Eren went first, and Jean ordered his usual afterwards. However, Jean asked for a special drink they offered called ‘Hawaiian Blue’. The surprise on Eren’s face was evident only to Jean. After the waiter walked away, Eren inquired. “Tired of the usual?”

Jean shook his head. “Nah. Just trying somethin’… Different.” He replied and looked at Eren form the corner of his eyes.  Eren raised his brows slightly. Jean wasn't too keen on change, so Eren was genuinely surprised.

“How's your mom?” Eren asked. Jean shook his head and shrugged.

“She's fine.”

“Have you been treating her better?”

Jean rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Still on about that.”

“Well, _are_ you?”

Jean ignored his question and drank the rest of his hot chocolate, then excused himself to go to the restroom. Eren huffed and took out his phone in Jean’s absence and saw a text from Armin.

 

**armin: Let me know how tonight goes.**

 

To which Eren replied:

 

**eren: it's awkward. and tense.**

**armin: How so?**

**eren: idk. it's just hard to.. pretend everythings ok.**

**armin: Then maybe you shouldn’t.**

 

Eren had a difficult time trying to figure out how to respond to Armin’s last message. His thumbs hovered above the keyboard as he thought about what to say. The waiter brought Jean another drink as he passed by. Eren typed and deleted a couple of words trying to respond to Armin before Jean had finally come back. Eren gave up and put his phone down, then rested one elbow on the table. “Welcome back.”

Jean thanked him and sat back down. He saw his drink and took a small sip before sliding the glass to Eren. Eren seemed very confused before Jean spoke up. “Try it.”

“Why?”

“You said that I couldn’t spend money on you, so I didn’t. I’m just asking you to try this, ‘n if you like it we can share.”

Eren frowned. “Seriously?”

Jean nodded and slid the glass a little closer to Eren. Eren looked down at the blue, carbonated liquid in the clear glass for a moment in contemplation. Finally, he rolled his eyes and muttered the word, “Fine,” beneath his breath and took a sip. The drink tasted like blue raspberry Sprite, which he didn’t know whether or not actually existed but imagined it to taste like. He nodded and slid the cup back to Jean.

“So?” Jean asked, eyes glimmering with curiosity.

Eren shrugged. “Not bad.”

Jean smiled, satisfaction clear in his eyes. He slid the drink back to Eren, causing confusion to rule his features. "It's yours." Eren frowned and prepared to argue, but Jean interrupted him. "I lied a little."  

"I told you not to buy me anything!" 

"Well.." Jean shrugged.

"I'm not drinkin' it." 

"Then I guess it will go to waste." 

Eren clenched his jaw. Jean hated wasting things, and so did Eren. The drink was going to bother them both if neither of them drank it."What was your plan if I didn't like it?" 

"Deal with the fact that it was going to go to waste." 

"Why don't you drink it?"

"Soda and hot chocolate don't go well together." Jean smirked. Eren rolled his eyes and slid the blue drink a little closer to himself.

"God I hate you." Eren muttered. Jean chuckled and checked his phone again. 

A pause allowed Eren’s mind to wander back to Armin’s text: ‘Then maybe you shouldn’t’. He knew his friend was right. He shouldn’t pretend everything was okay just because Jean decided to try to fix things between them, because shoving their past under the rug would surely backfire eventually. The problem was, Eren didn’t know exactly how to act because of this.

Jean almost seemed to be reading his mind. He put his phone away and cleared his throat. He looked out the window, clearly avoiding eye contact. “So… you still mad at me?”

Eren could have laughed. It was a really bad way to start this conversation, but it wasn’t like he was able to come up with a better way. He had to think about the question before he could respond. “Well.. I’m sitting here with you, aren’t I?”

Jean nodded. “Yeah, but clearly everythin’ ain’t all sunshine ‘n rainbows here.”

Eren shrugged and nodded. “Guess you’re right.”

“So… What’s on your mind? What’re you thinkin’?” Jean put the small ice cube in his mouth and chewed it. Eren used to hate when he did that, but it was hypocritical because he did it too.

Jean’s question was so loaded that Eren had to pause to think again. He shrugged first and rested his head on the palm of his hand. “I dunno… Honestly?”

Jean nodded, “As honest as you can get.”

Eren looked away from Jean as he gathered his thoughts before responding, “I dunno how I feel about this…”

“Why’s that?”

“‘Cause…” The more Eren thought, the more difficult it became to put them into words. There were things that Eren was thinking that he didn’t even want to truly admit to himself, so there was no way he would admit them to Jean. He spoke slowly, clearly trying to put his thoughts into clear sentences. “We broke up, ‘n when I saw you the next day, I felt like it never happened. You were back to bein’ your normal self ‘n it was like I was the only one who was affected. I spent all this time thinking you didn’t care and then all of a sudden you wanna talk.” As he spoke, he began to feel the anger rising in him, but did his best to keep it under control.

“Well I wasn’t gonna go around mopin’.”

“Yeah I know that. It was just… You didn’t even try to contact me after. At all. It was like after it was over you just said ‘oh well’ ‘n went on with your life.” He began to get more frustrated as he spoke, he exhaled and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Yeah well neither did you.”

“Obviously I wanted to! But, I said I was done with you, so I couldn’t try to contact you after that.”

Jean paused and leaned back in his seat. “Look, after we broke up… I did some thinking.”

“Hopefully a lot of it.” Eren muttered before drinking some of his water.

Jean glared at Eren for a brief moment before continuing, “I did… And I realized… I wasn’t really… I had a lot of shit goin’ on and it wasn’t being dealt with.”

Eren rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know that. I’ve known that.”

“Yeah but _I_ didn’t, and I didn’t ‘till I woke up one day and realized that I really… really fucked up. And fuck, I didn’t mean for shit to end like it did, but that didn’t matter ‘cause it did anyways. ‘N the only way I was gonna fix that was by dealing with all the stuff I’d been ignoring.”

Eren didn’t say anything. His eyes lowered to the water in his cup and he remained silent. He wasn’t sure what to say, but it did feel good to hear Jean say what he had hoped he would say one day. It was going to be really hard to repress his feelings now, he figured. “So did you?”

Jean nodded. That gesture was enough to make Eren forgive him.

 

* * *

 

After dinner, Jean dropped Eren off home. They sat outside of Eren’s house to talk for a minute before Eren went inside. Jean turned off the engine and they sat in silence for a few seconds before Jean's voice broke it.

“So.. Can we?” Jean asked. Eren rolled his eyes. Why did he always have to ask questions like that? He always made it seem like Eren should just know the context of his question, and he hated it.

“Can we what, Jean?” Eren’s tone was bitter, annoyance ringing clear from the way that Jean posed his question.

“Can we start talking again? Can I see you again?” Jean’s eyes seemed hopeful.

Eren felt the urge to say yes immediately, but he was still so hesitant to say it. The thought of letting Jean back into his life almost hurt him. He was finally starting to be okay with the fact that they weren't together anymore. He was finally starting to accept that he was better off without Jean. Now, here he was, trying to get him back... and it was working. “Can I give you an answer tomorrow?” Eren asked. Jean nodded. Eren sighed and picked up his backpack from beneath his feet. “Okay. I’ll text you tomorrow then.”

Jean watched him as he got out of the car and closed it. He never left until he saw Eren go inside. It was a habit of his that he never cared to break. His heart shattered this time as the door to the Jaeger home had closed. He wasn’t sure if Eren would want him back in his life, and one thing that Jean could never admit was the fact that he needed Eren. Not in the sense that he couldn’t live without him, but in the sense that Eren forced him to be a better person. Even if they didn't get back together, he would have been okay with it. He just wanted Eren back in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah this is going to take 500 years for me to update. But here's the next chapter after probably about a year of waiting. Sorry if this isn't written that well. I wrote this over the course of 6-8 months.

**Author's Note:**

> This will be continued but I'm really busy so I may update this story in short bursts.


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